Chimp Change

by T-Bone

I knew a chimp once. His name was Alfred. He lived at a gas station, and he liked to touch people who came into pay or buy a cold drink. Sometimes he wore a gimme cap, and I also saw him with a cigar once; however, he didn't appear to enjoy it very much. Alfred lived in the midst of people, but he never wanted to be a person.

At least, not that I know of. Maybe I was wrong.

Recently in Austria, a chimp named Hiasl has been in the news because animal-rights advocates are trying to get the 26 year-old male primate declared a "person."  The people involved in this effort say he needs that status to become a legal entity so he can receive donations. And he needs the cash because the sanctuary where he lives went bankrupt.

No wonder. It costs $6,800 a month for his food and vet bills alone. That's $81,600 a year. The average American makes around $24,000 a year and has no health insurance.

So, a monkey needs $57,600 more a year to live than the average American. That's a lot of bananas. And his doctor must be flying over to treat his hairy butt from the Mayo Clinic.

Basically, the average American would be better off moving to Austria and having their legal status changed from "person" to "chimp."

I conducted an informal survey and found more than a few volunteers.

"That chimp can have my status as a person if I can have his yearly income," said Carl as he stood outside the Dairy Queen in Richmond, VA.

"Where do I sign up to officially change my status to chimpanzee?" asked Linda in the parking lot of Food Lion.

"I wish I was that monkey's uncle," said Frank, a mechanic at the BP station. "Maybe I could get listed in his will."

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of Austria and to the republic for which it stands," said Jerome, a greasy hand firmly placed over his name patch stitched on his shirt. "So when do I start?" He started doing a chimp sound as two motorists looked at us oddly.

I didn't talk to a single person who wouldn't trade places with the chimp immediately. Not sure that speaks as highly of Hiasl's situation as it speaks about the lives of the average American these days, but it says something.

"So how big will his legal bills be?" asked DeWayne, who works at the car wash. "You know he's got to have more than a few high-paid lawyers working on this."

A woman at least 85 years-old was sitting next to us, waiting for DeWayne to dry her bumper. She leaned over and said, "Are you kidding me? This monkey has lawyers who are fighting to turn him into a person?"

"Yes, ma'am," I said.

"We don't have enough people in the world to kill in wars and abuse in dictatorships and starve and let die of AIDS? Now we have to recruit monkeys?" she asked with a look of total sadness.

"For 80 grand, they need to be recruiting people to be monkeys," laughed DeWayne.

I didn't realize that being a chimp – as a profession – paid so much. As a single "person," Hiasl would be in a pretty rough income tax bracket in a place like New York.

I have a friend who is a doctor, and he didn't make that much last year. Imagine telling students in med school, "Listen, after years in school, and many more as an intern, you'll graduate hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, and one day, you just might make as much as a chimpanzee."

Hiasl, if you're reading this while lounging around the pool, I have some advice: Don't let them turn you into a person. People get treated much worse and make nearly four times less than chimps – at least in America.

Comments

[Belle]

T-Bone, was it intentional that you placed that chimp in the pink shirt so close to my photo??????? You stinker! (But I did laugh.)

[Southern Man]

Belle, He was trying to get it away from his own pic due to similarities in facial structure.

LOL